Remind me of the Babe!
by kkolmakov
Summary: {Co-written with Wynni} Jareth leaves for his honeymoon, whom can he trust with his Labyrinth but another King in possession of extensive experience in dealing with Goblins? [Hobbit x Labyrinth Crossover, with a dozen other fandoms thrown in] Thorin x OC, Fili x OC, and Kili gets to play with fireworks!
1. The Babe with the Power

Wren and Bri are trying to suppress the daft giggles that always hit you after three at night, when you have to work two jobs, being a single mom and supporting yourself and your infant child, or alternatively in Bri's case a slacker brother and pair of adopted stray dogs, and you have finally put the child to sleep, cooked and packed lunches for tomorrow, did the dishes and should go to sleep but instead you are sitting in front of your best friend, eating cold pizza and drinking too much soda.

"OK, but bear with me," Wren is studying a mushroom slice on her piece. "Say, you can pick a film and make it real. Which 'verse would you go for? Don't say Star Trek, that's a given." Bri is pensively chewing her crust.

"Do you have any idea just how many great fantasy movies there are? Not to mention Star Wars!" Bri sticks her tongue out at Wren.

"Yeah? And what would the two pathetic creatures like us do in Star Wars? We would be the slaves on Tatooine, with our luck..."

"Well, if that gives me a shot at Luke, then I'm all for it. I could strangle Jabba for that."

"Yeah, you've always had a thing for blonde hotties, didn't you?" Wren winks and pops a mushroom in her mouth.

"Blonde, brown, black headed, I'm with Benedick… Any color it please God, as long as he's not thick as a brick in the head."

"Well, that is straight fantasy, my lambkin," Wren gets up and carefully places her plate in the sink. She is finishing her cola, and suddenly says, "I'd go for _Labyrinth_."

"Ahahahah, got a thing for hot Brits in tight tights, do ya?" Bri laughs. "Cain't say I blame you. _Underground_ does sound fun." She points her crust at Wren. "You remind me of the babe!" Wren turns and looks at herself in the glass door of a pantry.

"Not these days I don't, and definitely not with the power," she chuckles joylessly. "More of those orange things that could tear off their heads. Bloody hell, I look like shite," Wren's accent is always stronger when she is tired.

"What, lovie, wishing the Goblins would come and take you away, right now?"

"You see, it's not the tight tights, Bri," Wren sits down again and rubs her face. She does look exhausted. "It's the absurdity of that world. It's so off that nothing really matters." Bri sympathetically pats her shoulder. Wren exhales sharply and then smiles to her friend impishly. "And I hate Brits in tight tights, I have seen too many in my dancing years. But at this stage I'll take even one of them plonkers. Seriously, why can't I just find a bloke for a simple shag? They all either run, or want to be my saviours… Ugh. Like they are going to saunter into my life and solve all my barney. Daft misogynists." Wren snorts derisively. "At least I feel Jareth would be for a casual bonk, you know? That is if Sarah is not in that verse, because I so can see him coming back for her few years later and them having monkey sex on his throne." They both are snorting, trying not to wake up Wren's seven months old daughter, Mira.

There is some soft rustling noise in the hall of Wren's tiny apartment, and she gets up to check it, mumbling 'bugger, I hope it's not a possum again.' She is disappearing around the corner when Bri quietly calls after her.

"Aww, honey, if it'd really fix things for you, I wish the Goblins would come and take you away, right now." Bri hears a soft chuckle, and then it grows oddly quiet. "Wren? Is it a possum after all?" Not hearing anything, a now worried Bri gets up to check.

"Wrennie? No fair playing hide and seek this late at night." Bri thinks she hears a soft giggle, from a few different places. Chills race down her spine as she recalls where she last heard something like that. "No freakin' way. It's just a cotton pickin' movie!" She hisses in a fierce whisper.

"Indeed it is, and do chivvy up with the terror and the indignation. I am so late," a familiar voice makes Bri spin on her heels. No frigging way!

The Goblin King is standing behind her, the curtains on Wren's window thrash just the right way, and… What's with the outfit? She doesn't remember him being dressed in surfer shorts and a colourful shirt. And is that a frigging straw hat?!

"Didn't anybody ever tell you rednecks don't do terrorized? Besides, I'm still making my way through 'what the hell' land first." Bri tilts her head. "Bermuda shorts, Jareth?"

If the Goblin King could look embarrassed, that is exactly how he would look. Soft pink blush spills on the cheekbones, and as BBC Irene Adler would say, you could cut your hand slapping these, and his famous, two coloured eyes shift.

"Honeymoon, Bri, keep you snidy sassy comments to yourself. Which reminds me," he makes a generous wave with an elegant long fingered hand, "Do hurry up!"

"Okay, short version, you know I know the movie. You know I'ma run the Labyrinth for Wren. What I want to know is this, what about Mira? Y'know, the seven month old baby that needs a sitter while I get her Momma back."

"Oh blast! I forgot about the baby." He shifts between his feet, and for love of monkey, are those flip flops?! "Could you possibly take her with you? I do not have a single spare Goblin at the moment. We are currently draining part of the Bog of Eternal Stench."

"If I gotta run with a baby on board, I want more time, Bubba. Besides, no way in hell I'd agree to a goblin sitter, unless you've been hidin' some somewhere's what's got more sense than what I've seen!"

"Manners, darling! They are excellent child care specialists. But time is money, or babies, depending on how you look at it. How about an additional hour?" He really thinks she is dumb.

"Jareth, darlin,' you're slippin'. I thought you wanted this done quick? Five extra hours, or you can take Mira with you on your honeymoon." The Goblin King blanches beyond his usual posh British paleness.

"Be it your way," he sighs theatrically, "You have eighteen hours, blah-blah-blah..." At this moment Bri notices a blob of sunscreen on his iconic nose and sniggers. He gives her a suspicious look. He really looks less intimidating out of his outfits. And Bri is not nine anymore. Her taste in men has improved since she got the VHS for the first time. "Are we in agreement then?"

Bri tosses a careless 'yeah, yeah' over her shoulder as she starts looking for baby equipment she's going to need now that Mira is coming with her.

"Oh, and the last thing," there is a snake like smile on his lips, and Bri doesn't like it, "I'm afraid my replacement has a bit more of temper issues than I do. I hope your friend minds her manners."

"Sugarbear, if'n my friend is hurt when I get her back, you're gonna have to worry about my temper issues, an' you can take that to the bank! You better put a bug in the ear of this replacement of your'n."

Bri's phrase hangs in the empty room. That bogsnoggin' Goblin King has melted into the air mid-threat. Bri curses three generations of Jareth's ancestors, and a few to come while she gathers the baby, thank god Wren believes in keeping a properly packed diaper bag, and heads out the bay window facing the Labyrinth. Baby on her back, diaper bag on her hip, she is ready to face whatever the maze has in store for her.

* * *

Wren lands on her arse in what is indubitably the throne room of the Goblin King in the Castle beyond the Goblin city. Everything is properly in order, the Goblins are noisy and dusty, chickens wander around, there are barrels, all looks like a proper do, and _Magic Dance_ is playing at the background. Wren gets up, brushing dust off her PJ shorts on her bum and turns to the throne. Wait, what?!

Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thrain, son of Thror, is standing near the throne, in all his dark-waved, blue-eyed glory. The arms are folded on his chest, face cantankerous, the full Dwarven regalia provided, including the brigandine and Orcrist clasped to his back.

"Aren't you in the wrong 'verse?" Wren blurts out, and if he wasn't that majestic he would have rolled his eyes. But then his eyes run over her.

"Are you not too old for a wished away babe?" Oh, the voice is still marvelous. Wren acutely regrets a silly tee with Einstein sticking out his tongue. The King Under the Mountain's eyes linger on the physicist.

"I am. Still doesn't explain what you are doing here. And where is Jareth?"

"He is travelling with his new wife. I am standing in for him."

"You?" Wren snorts, he gives her a grumpy look. All possible puns about standing and his height run in Wren's mind. And then she realises why he is standing at the moment. If he sat on the throne, his feet wouldn't reach the floor. She is short herself, she knows. Somehow that makes her feel better. "Are you not going to dance and throw me in the air and let Goblins catch me?" The thick black brows draw together. Apparently Kings don't like to be mocked. Tough tits. "And where is the outfit?" She gestures all around her head mimicking Jareth's iconic hair and shirt ruffles on the chest. Something changes in the Dwarf's blue eyes, and one black brow twitches.

Wren is suddenly hot. That is, unless she is hallucinating, a very masculine spark in his eyes, and suddenly he curls one corner of his lips, there is a loud 'poof' in the air and… Wren's jaw hits the dust on the floor.

A six five, no less, version of the King Under the Mountain, all proportional, and those are very long legs, is lounging on the throne. He doesn't go for the whole Jareth's 'one leg on the armrest' look, but he is comfortable. One ankle is on the other knee, a hand fisted in front of his mouth, and he is tapping his boot with that riding crop. The outfit is different, thank goodness. Wren never liked those leggings and the black waistcoat. Apparently the Dwarf King has better taste than the Goblin one. He is wearing pretty much what Jareth wore at the Crystall Ball Ball, as Bri tends to call it, except, let's face it, he fills it up much better. And those are very, very nice calves. The hair is in a ponytail, the braids still on the sides of the face, probably Dwarven traditions didn't allow him to change it. Altogether that is a very bothersome picture. As in Wren being hot and bothered.

"Satisfied?" Not even nearly. Wren internally shushes her libido.

"If you got this outfit, I demand my puffy white dress." The brow crawls higher, and that is definitely a small smile.

"You are the babe in this scenario, fair maiden. Not the chapmpion. All I can offer you is stripy red and white footed pajamas." Wren feels like she might want to give herself a slap to clear her mind. Firstly, Thorin Oakenshield pronouncing 'stripy red and white footed pajamas' isn't something her brain was ready for. And secondly, he is flirting.

The next thought is even more alarming. Isn't his next line "in nine hours and twenty three minutes... you'll be mine"? There are several concerns here. Will Bri be able to save her before it? Will Wren's ovaries explode if Thorin, son of Thrain pronounces "you'll be mine"? And is there a way to ensure that Bri isn't here on time?


	2. Though We're Strangers 'Till Now

Well, Bri thinks, at least she's not getting treated to Dwarven private parts. While her cousins snorted and sniggered at Hoggle watering the pond, it always rather bothered her. As she gets closer, her heart rate increases. It couldn't be who that looks like sitting there fishing. Suddenly, she doesn't think she'd mind being treated to those particular Dwarven parts.

"Fili? What are you doing here?"

"Fishing. And you?" Oh mercy alive, them electric blue eyes are even prettier in person. Not to mention the job that sunny smile is doing on her heart rate. She wonders if the Labyrinth had swapped Hoggle out for her favorite Dwarf just to mess with her. She wouldn't put it past the sneaky thing, or Jareth.

"Oh, just trying to win my best friend back. You wouldn't happen to want to show me the doors, would you?" The stinker is already charming the baby. Mira is kicking in her carrier, cooing and babbling at the blonde Dwarf. "Careful there, Sunshine. She'll pull them braids right out if you get too close." Bri doesn't know if Mira actually would. What she does know is that her poor nerves wouldn't survive Fili being that close that much longer. Dang them blonde waves, kissable lips 'n' soft tickable beard. This is torture. While she feels like she knows him, he doesn't know her from Adam's housecat. How the devil is she supposed to play it cool? She is ready to go full bore fan girl.

"Oh, it's over there, but can't go with you." He carelessly points behind him, eyes never leaving the baby he's charming right out of her carrier. Bri's kidneys wish he'd stop, though.

"Whyever not?"

"The Fairies." The blonde Heir of Durin wouldn't quite meet her eyes. What's he hiding?

"What about them?" Bri asks confused.

"Well, I get mobbed whenever I go anywhere near the walls." The poor fellow is actually mumbling into his beard, and the most darling blush is creeping over his cheeks. Bri's inner fangirl is squealing so loud, she's amazed Fili can't hear it.

"What?!" Fili is coughing into his fist, and turning the most lovely shades of red.

"They um, they seem to like my hair and beard. The last time I got close, it took me nearly three days to untangle the last fairy, and that was after I finally won free of the bleedin' swarm."

"Well, what about Hoggle's sprayer? That should let you get past them, that is, if you want to travel with me." Really, he doesn't know her, and why would he want to travel with her? Then again, he may have to, if he's meant to distract and delay her. That was Hoggle's assignment with Sarah, after all. Even if she felt brave enough to ask, she couldn't trust his answer.

"Is that what that thing is?"

"Fili, you're a Dwarf. How could you not figure it out?" If anything, his blush gets brighter. He isn't quite looking at her. "Wait, it's supposed to be one of my challenges? Right, c'mon cute stuff." Bri manages to gingerly grab up the sprayer, without dumping baby or bag, and proceeds to knock out fairies left and right all the way to the great gates. Fili saunters right along beside her. His jaunty gait giving her a fit of giggles. He notices her trying to suppress them, and tosses a grin whose wattage she is sure couldn't be matched even by the power of Hoover dam. The gates open as they approach, the glittering black walls of the Labyrinth welcoming them into their depth.

* * *

The Goblins finish singing _Magic Dance_, it's hilarious, because they only supply the chorus, and in between it's sort of an awkward silence. Wren is watching the King in the chair, he is back to his grumpy demeanour. Finally the song is over, and she steps closer to him.

"So, if I'm the baby in this scenario, then who is coming to save me?"

"Whoever has wished you away. Although the whole mechanism of the story seems to be out of order."

"But Bri is with my daughter, she can't leave her alone there..." Wren gives it a thought. Bri would probably take Mira with her.

"Your child's father then perhaps," the King's voice is suspiciously even, "It is possible it is no longer a tale of saving a child, perhaps you are a damsel in distress." Wren cringes.

"Firstly, I'd rather turn into a goblin, and secondly, Mira doesn't have a father. She is mine. And mine alone." Bugger. Did she mock his line from his conversation with Balin in Bilbo's house, which by the way has always given her palpitations? Judging by a whimsical angle his eyebrow is adopting, she did. "Um… So what do babies do here while their saviours solve riddles and try to protect their heads from being unscrewed off their necks?"

He rises from his throne, and she makes a strangled noise. He looks at her questioningly.

"Could you scale this down a bit?" She gestures all over him. "You look like a child of Garry Glitter and Blackwall, the Grey Warden! With all honesty, the Dwarf size was much more preferable." Another 'poof' returns him to the previous proportions. The armour is gone at least, he is wearing a dark navy velvet doublet now, and damn, he looks good.

"I am not familiar with Master Glitter, but have shared ale with the Warden. A decent man." Wren's head starts to spin a bit. She looks around in search of a chair or a bench, and he loops his arm. "Since you are hardly expected to go to the nursery, where children usually await their destiny and play with age appropriate toys, perhaps you would like some rest."

Wren steps closer and gingerly pushes her arm through his. Fanfiction is right, he is hot, temperature wise that is. They are almost the same height, and while he is leading her through passages she is discreetly studying him from the corner of her eye. He is not quite her type, she is more into artistic blokes, but he is definitely something…

While the throne was definitely too tall for him, inner rooms are just the right size for the two of them.

"Tell me we are not going to that sicko room without any physics laws, where you will be walking on walls and the ceiling? That part is later, and in general gives me vertigo." He smirks lopsidedly and lets her pass into a room.

It is a boudoir. There is no other word for it. Plush sofas and settees, a table with drinks and fruit, and overall this is more for _Dangerous Liaisons_ scene than a PG rated film. Wren is suddenly uncomfortable, especially considering that she is still barefoot and is wearing flannel shorts. At least it is warm here.

"It is Queen Sarah's parlour, I assumed you would prefer this room to any others." Wren squeaks and starts clapping in glee.

"So they married?! Oh yay!" She is doing a small happy mambo and then remembers she is not alone in the room. Oops. "Um… So he came back for her and they married yeah?" The King nods, and then he walks up to the table and pour some bright red drink in two goblets. Wren realises she is hungry and thirsty. But again, she is no idiot.

"Refreshments, my lady?"

"I'd rather not." He picks up a goblet and takes a sip.

"You must be exhausted..." Is she imagining that strange gleam in his eyes, or the shivers running down her spine are justified?

"I'm good." He takes another sip and is watching her attentively over the rim of the cup. "Is it pomegranate wine?" He licks his lips and chuckles. "Yeah, I'd rather not." She walks around the room, there are bookshelves, and she snorts when she sees familiar spines. Tolkien, Carroll, Lewis, Pratchett, Azimov, MacCaffrey, Norton, Lackey, Strugatsky… That explains why she is talking to a Dwarf.

"Queen Sarah is an excellent diplomat," the King's voice is laced with laughter, he is answering her unasked question. "Universes have been trading and collaborating rather successfully recently."

"So, do I get it right? As a part of diplomatic relationships you are Jareth's temp." He throws her a cautioning look, apparently he didn't enjoy her wording. Alas, that is exactly what he is.

"He assured me no children would arrive during his absence. Something must have gone wrong." Wren picks up a book from a shelf and flips pages without looking.

"Besides the fact that I'm not a toddler."

"Besides that," his voice is suddenly very close, and she jumps up. How did he sneak up to her like that? Either the Dwarves have no understanding of personal space, or… She is not sure what she is thinking, the glacial blue eyes are way too close to her comfort. "Have you in any way caused this arrangement, fair maiden?" Wren's daze from the proximity of a sexy long nose and fluffy lashes is immediately gone. What a puffed up, conceited, cantankerous, narcissistic… barmpot!

"Why would I wish upon myself to be confined in a dusty castle with no AC inhabited by unpleasant shorties with personal hygiene issues?" The King twitches, and Wren internally gives herself a golden star. Though she is being mean, unlike the Goblins he is very clean and smells like juniper soap. Sarah is a modern girl after all, she apparently cleaned up the multiverse. "I was completely content in my life, believe me. I didn't need any Goblins and their King in it. I have my daughter and my job."

"And what do you do?" Is he making a small talk?

"I am a nurse."

"A healer then."

"Well, using your terminology, a midwife. I work in a delivery ward." She takes a seat in a large comfortable armchair and tucks her feet under her. "Even if we agree that I'm some sort of a glitch here, what are you doing here? Are you helping Jareth in exchange of him killing Smaug?" He sits in front of her and picks up a peach from a fruit bowl at the table. He silently offers it to her, and she gives him a sarcastic look. "Seriously? Do you think I'm plank?" He chuckles and bites into the fruit. Damn, that looks delicious. And Wren is not looking at the peach.

"Part of my job requirements, I had to ask. And no, as you probably know Bard the Bowman will take care of it. It is just a friendly gesture between two Kings." And it is also a complete poppycock.

"OK, I might be a wished away baby, but I wasn't born yesterday. How did he make you do it?" The King is chewing a peach feigning nonchalance, and Wren notices slight blush growing on the cheekbones above the black beard. Oh! "He's got some dirt on you! Does he? I know he does!"

The King is purposefully studying a large painting on the wall depicting AT-AT Walkers treading through the snows of Hoth. A thought comes, but no way!...

"Is it the naked Dwarf calendar?" The King grabs another peach and sinks his even white teeth in it. Wren is laughing, he is glaring at her. And then a trickle of peach juice runs down his hand, and he licks it. Wren chokes on her laughter and is beginning to feel a bit worried. Where is Bri exactly?


	3. Rockin', Rollin', and a Reelin'

"What are you doing?" Fili has been watching Bri walk slowly along the narrow path, running her hand along the wall as she goes.

"I'm lookin' for doorways."

"With your hand?"

"Well, in the movie, they were disguised. Now, I know the Labyrinth is bound to throw every curveball it can imagine at me, but sure as I assume it won't use a simple but effective trick from the movie, that's what it'll do. Don't you know what 'assume' does?"

"Placing an ass before you and me."

"Exactly, and I don't know about you, but I've done had more'n my share of dealing with asses already." Just then, Bri's hand hit air instead of wall. "Well, lookee there! Found a door!"

"Bri! Wait!" Fili is just exactly not fast enough to catch Bri as the trapdoor beneath her drops her on a chute with a loud wail. "Dammit!" Fili follows quickly before the trap could disappear.

The chute deposits him none too gently in a rocky area. All he can see are various amorphously shaped boulders and rocks, including a few well placed homages to the most famous face in the Goblin Kingdom. Though why Jareth is obsessed with the Thin White Duke, only he knows. Fili hears Bri's voice not too far from him.

"Welp, this is new." There stands Bri, baby still on her back, and diaper bag on her shoulder, studying the terrain carefully. "I guess we'll just pick a direction, and see if we can find a vantage point to get a bead on the castle?" She turns to regard Fili, a funny smile dancing at the corners of her lips. "I guess here's as good a place as any to figure if you're a help or a hinder. Which way you reckon we oughta head?"

Fili takes a moment to dust himself off and consider his options. Decision firmly in mind, he points East. "I'd say we try that way." He offers Bri his arm. "My lady?"

Bri, odd smile still in place, takes his arm with a small nod. "M'lord. I thank thee kindly."

They walk together in companionable silence for quite a while. Though they pass several large boulders, none are of a shape that lend themselves to climbing. They don't get discouraged, but keep an eye out. Every so often, they hear a skittering sound. It is never loud, and it never lasts long, but it occurs often enough to keep both adults uneasy. Mira, thankfully, is napping peacefully against Bri's back.

"Whatcha think that racket is we keep hearin'?" Bri asks, looking over her shoulder for the umpteenth time, hoping to catch a glimpse of the whatever it is.

"No clue. Haven't really had time to see much of the Labyrinth."

"Yeah, how come yer here, anyhow? All I know of the Labyrinth came from a movie. I know a bit more about you and your bunch thanks to Tolkien and Jackson, but it had nothin' at all to do with this place. Can you tell me that much?"

"Let's just say Jareth was very convincing in getting my uncle to watch this place while he went on honeymoon." Fili does not expect the laughing fit that inspired.

"Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, is babysitting Goblin City? Goblins? How in Hell? Oh come on! You have to tell me more! Who all's here?" Fili doesn't get a chance to answer Bri, when they turn around another boulder and hear an enraged voice.

"You Orc humping lumps of sod! Get off me!" Fili's eyes close in horror, while a wide snickering grin wraps itself around Bri's face.

"That sounded like…" Bri's grin threatens to split her face.

"It is." The resignation in Fili's voice is the final straw. Bri sniggers inelegantly.

"So the gang is all here." Her crow could rival Peter Pan's.

"Can't say." Fili's mouth closes with a snap as Bri continues to snigger.

"Stinker." Bri takes off as the colorful language gets so thick she swears she can see it in the air. She assumes that means she is getting close. As she rounds yet another rock pillar that looks like some avant garde post modern abstract piece, the most hilarious sight meets her eyes.

A besieged bald Dwarf perched atop a half eroded rock kicking at a group of rocks trying to climb up to him? Bri rubs her eyes. The image remains. There stands the brawny braw Dwalin, surrounded on all sides by rocks acting more or less like an unruly pack of puppies. One thing every redneck worth her salt knows is how to handle a pack of dogs. They'd revoke her license if she didn't.

"Heeyyyooooooooowup!" Fili ducks and covers. That had to be the loudest sound to ever assault his ears. Orc attacks were quieter. The entire pack of rolling rocks stops and turns to face the young woman standing arms akimbo and feet spread in a very commanding pose. "Heel!" The entire pack of rocks obediently rolls into position around her. "Good rocks, now stay!" A very firm finger points to the ground beside her. She then casually walks up to the glaring Dwarf still perched atop the mound. Fili thinks he might be falling in love.

"Hey there! Name's Bri. I think it's safe to come down now."

"All in the Labyrinth know who the runner be, lass. Just as I know ye know mine own name." The Dwarf jumps down, glaring death and dire retribution at the now immobile rocks near Fili.

"Oh good. Didn't want to put you off." Bri looks between the angry Dwarf and the rocks. "So, how did you wind up with all that attention anyhow?"

"Damme if I know. Damned things just swarmed me!" Even his beard seems to have gone into attack mode, bristling with Dwarven indignation.

"Looks like they were just wanting attention. Did you think if maybe you'd petted them, they might have calmed down?" Ooops, if anything, that seems to make it worse.

"Dwarves don't pet!" At which point, Bri feels someone kicking and wiggling on her back. Then Mira starts cooing and trying to reach the Dwarf. It was all Bri could do to keep from laughing. Time to let the Dwarf escape with what dignity he could.

"Listen, I'll stay here a bit to give you a head start to get out of their way, and you won't be bothered by pesky attention seeking rocks, or cooing babies." The Dwarf gives her a stiff nod and starts to move off. "It was nice to meet you, Dwalin, son of Fundin."

"And you, Briallen of Clan Davis Ye've passed this wee test, and ye'll be able o' call on me as ye need me. Just make sure it's the right time, as ye may only call on me once!"

Briallen walks back thoughtfully to Fili. "That was different…" Her thought doesn't get any further because suddenly she has a mouthful, and strong arms around her, and isn't that oh maaaaaaaaaiiiiiiii!

* * *

Thorin watches the red haired woman lean down and focus her unusual eyes on the crystal. The eyes are indeed mesmerizing, slanted and of the colour of the fire opal. Her coppered gold hair is gathered at the back of her head and held in place with a few pins, curls falling out of it, and she tucks them behind her ears in an obviously habitual action. She has a long elegant neck and delicate shoulders, pale radiant skin, and Thorin shifts on his settee. She sat near him as he offered to show her in a crystal ball how her champion was doing. Gentle aroma of lilac hits his nose, and he laments she is not a toddler. Mad emotions he has had buried for more than a century to resurface now, that was definitely not in his contract with the Goblin King!

The picture of his nephew and a young lass with enticing curves and hair of buckwheat honey colour marching through rocks appears, and the lass is gesturing and talking, when suddenly Fili spins her on one spot and his lips are pressed to hers. The redhead squeaks and grabs Thorin's forearm. She has strong hands, and he is trying to carefully move away from her, because she is bobbing on the settee, the fiery curls are dancing around her face, and he just noticed the bright red lips.

"Oh that is marvelous! Bri has always been a Fili girl!" She peeks into the crystal ball, Thorin doesn't dare. He assumes the dalliances are continuing, since she is now vigorously shaking his arm. "Oh dear! The bloke knows what he is doing! Oh Mira is awake. Hope Bri found the bottle in the fridge." Thorin looks as well. There is a redhaired babe strapped to the back of the woman currently tangling her fingers in the locks of his sister-son. The babe is merrily chewing on a rubber giraffe, while his nephew is performing similar acts on the woman's lips. Judging by her leg going around his, he is succeeding. A thought comes.

"A Fili girl?" He stuffs the crystal ball away, no plot development is to be expected for a while.

"Yep. As in a fangirl? She is a big fan of FF for him. No slash obviously, though the other day I caught her reading RagdollPrincess' smutty one shot with Dom!Fili, and that's a bit… uhem..." Nothing of what she says makes sense, but it might be blamed on the fact that instead of listening he is staring at her lips. "I myself am more for RagdollPrincess' multichapter of course. Kili there is just to die for. Such a character development, and threesome is glorious!" That gets his attention. She has just sighed wistfully. And she is not wearing a corset. And it was for his nephew. He even ignores the mentioning of the three part intimate act.

Thorin gets up and walks to the table to pour himself more wine. He doesn't want to, but astonishing jealousy is rising, and then there is a soft 'pop' sound in the air. He suspects he has just magicked something, the power of the Goblin King is uncomfortable, and he constantly feels like rubbing the back of his neck from some sort of nervous itch.

Suddenly a faint far away yell reaches his ears, "What did I do-o-o-o?"

"What was that?" The source of Thorin's frustration turns to the window, he notices smooth round knees and adorable toes, and Thorin clears his throat. He has a suspicion what the sounds was exactly.


	4. You Starve and Near Exhaust Me

Once Bri senses come back down from cloud nine, she is left staring into some very beautiful warm blue eyes and dancing dimples, and she hears, "You, m'dear, are magnificent!"

"Remind me to be magnificent more often, if that's what it gets me!"

Fili tells himself he is just keeping an arm around her till she is steady on her feet again. Bri isn't complaining. The rocks form up behind them and follow like ducklings. Bri finds this amusing and keeps laughing to herself. They also seem to amuse the baby, who kicks and gurgles at the rocks. They sometimes roll over each other and bounce into the air, making her squeal and buck. It keeps her happy, and the rocks busy, but it is killing Bri's back and kidneys. Speaking of which.

"Fili, I need a moment, think you can wait for me?"

Bri spotted a sturdy tree and some thick bushes. She really desperately needs just a moment of… personal time. She takes off the baby carrier with Mira in it and hangs it carefully on a thick branch at about eye level.

"Y'know, kid, I have a feeling this is some serious foreshadowing." Bri looks at the lovely baby. "I'm not a mom yet, I'm supposed to still have some privacy, but noooooo, the Labyrinth, of all things, has to be real. Sheesh."

"Boop!" Mira gleefully offers her opinion.

"Oh lord, and you ain't kidding."

And then a horrible, horrid odor assaults and brutalizes Bri's poor nose, her eyes water, and even poor Mira starts to whimper.

"Mahal's bronze boxers, Bri, what did you do?" It's hard to tell, but that might be terror under the nasally quack of a nose being pinched shut against the odiferous onslaught.

"Not that, you blonde buzzard!" Bri stomps out of the bushes, still fastening the carrier to her back. "We must have shifted. That's the bog."

"And here I thought..." Is he teasing her now? The nerve!

"Finish that line, and you'll regret it." A faint cry for help stops the squabble cold. Bri can barely make out the voice, but Fili looks horrified. Both of them take off like a shot towards the sound, to find Fili's brother dangling above the bog, hanging on for dear life to vines and branches.

"Bloody hell Kili, what happened?" His voice is torn between terror and laughter.

"Damme if I know. One minute I'm on the parapet, right? Next I'm airborne and grabbling for branches for my life. Mahal's hammer, what is that smell?"

"Well, if Jareth were still sitting the throne, I'd say you pissed him off. Since it's your uncle..?" Bri 's past puzzled, trying to figure out how he might have wound up there.

"Kili, did you starch his braies again?" Fili is staring at his brother, hands akimbo.

"No! Far as I know, I haven't done anything wrong. Now get me down!" Bri never thought she'd hear a prince whine.

Fili looks about ready to panic. Bri pats his shoulder, drawing his attention.

"Hang on handsome. I got this one." Bri whistles and pats her leg, her devoted rockdogs before her immediately. "Okay, boys, you know the drill. Make him a safe passage to us." The rocks obediently roll into place, making stepping stones the young dark haired man can use to join them.

"Thanks! Now, which way out of here?" Kili looks around, trying to get his bearings as he continues to brush vines, twigs, and leaves from his clothes. Then they hear yet another panicked cry.

"Heeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeee!" A dash of something knitted clinging fearfully to something shaggy and slobbery flits past them.

"What the bleeding hell?" Fili whips around, attention drawn from his brother to the wailing streak.

"Ambrosius! Come back with our young Dwarven friend immediately! Ambrosius! Here boy!" A tiny one eyed foxy creature in shakespearean garb darts past, plumed tail waving like a banner in the breeze in hot pursuit.

"Seriously? Did the Labyrinth just decide to cut loose all the crazy at once? Or am I just lucky?" Whatever answer from the cosmos Bri is expecting never comes. She shakes her head in resignation. "C'mon boys, we got an Ori to save from a marauding sheepdog."

"Doggie! Doggie doggie doggie!" Well, there was Mira's vote. She is all for catching the shaggy dog wonder. Bri is all for saving the poor Dwarf stuck on his back. How did the meekest of the Dwarves wind up on the dog's back? She has a strong suspicion Sir Didymus is behind this current fiasco.

"Ooof ooof Doggie!" squeals Mira, and would you believe it? The overgrown dustmop stops, turns, and pads back to Mira just as you please. Yep, the cute is strong in this one. Bri shudders to think what Mira could get away with once she consciously harnesses that cute. If she went to the dark side….

"Sooooo, Ori, why was Ambrosius running away with you? More to the point, why were you on a sheepdog's back in the first place?" Bri is trying hard to keep the laughter out of her voice. The poor Dwarf's self-esteem is perilously low as it is.

"I made the mistake of telling Sir Didymus I was nervous about riding. He decided then and there I needed lessons."

"And what spooked ambrosius?" Fili 's curiosity prods.

"That would have been the plummeting and screaming Kili." Sir Didymus glares at the poor plummeted prince.

Bri's nerves decide they've had enough, and the laughter rolls. She plops down right there in the middle of the leaf litter, and laughs till her sides ache.

She has no clue how much time she has left, nor does she know if she is really any closer to her goal. Yet it is either scream herself hoarse or laugh, so she laughs the anxiety out.

* * *

"So what happens to me if Bri fails to come and rescue me in thirteen hours?" Wren is sitting on the sofa, dangling one foot off its edge.

"Eighteen. The Goblin King gave her extra time since she has to carry a babe with her." Wren hums, that is fair. Mira is very small for her age, but a seven month old is a lot of work. Given Mira is an unnaturally easy baby. "I reckon you are staying here. In the Goblin King's power." The Dwarf King seems as uncomfortable with the idea as Wren feels. Well, since Jareth is on honeymoon she assumes nothing… scatalogical would be expected from her, but again, staying in the Goblin city?

"Do you think he'd allow me to keep Mira?" Wren's voice is small, and she feels a lump in her throat. What is better, to leave her child with someone else in her world or bring up a child here?

The blue eyes of the King are scanning her face. Wren suddenly stopped enjoying her little adventure, and she is pulling her knees to her nose.

"I have some matters to attend," the King's voice is flat, and she nods not looking at him. There is a soft 'poof' and Wren's eyes are full of tears. She just wants to go home. And Mira. She wants her baby back.

* * *

The stench of the bog left behind but not forgotten, they trudge rather tiredly through what looks like an orchard. Bri catches the unmistakable fragrance of peach blossoms. She idly considers cutting herself a peach switch. Then considers Wren might use it on her and decides she could live without. However, her aching feet and shoulder muscles are voting for a rest stop, and soon, please and thank you.

"Okay, no more bog stench, and I'm tired and starved. Sammiches, anyone?" Bri offers.

"What's in them?" Kili asks with keen interest practically sticking his nose into the diaper bag. Fili pokes him under ribs to mind his manners, but even Ori looks hungry. Yeah, the world of Fae is no place for sturdy and ravenous Dwarves.

Bri slips into an affected speech pattern, as she presents her masterpieces with a flourish. "I makes proper dagwoods, I do: mustard 'n' mayo, lettuce, tomato, Colbyjack cheese, Swiss, roast beef, salami, turkey, and smoked ham. Mushrooms if you want 'em." They sit in a circle, them with sandwiches, Mira happy with her bottle, and Kili suddenly moans loudly.

"Marry her, Fil," Kili proclaims sinking his teeth into his sandwich again. Bri chokes, figuratively and literally, sandwich stuck in her throat, staring wide eyed and frozen at Fili.

"So what have we here?" A low velvet voice makes them all jump up, and while Fili hides his sandwich behind his back, Ori freezes with his between his teeth, Kili is hurriedly stuffing his behind his cheeks. Mira gleefully cooes. The King Under the Mountain is standing a few feet away from them with an exasperated expression on his noble face.

Bri chokes violently, finally loosening the caught piece in her throat. So much for meeting Thorin with her usual aplomb. There she is, coughing and teary eyed. She digs one of her reserve sandwiches out of the bag, and croaks, "Care to join us?"

"Mahal help me, with pleasure," he steps ahead and grabs the sandwich out of her hand. "My gratitude, fair maiden. This place is as bare in proper provision as cursed Rivendell."

The Dwarves decide since the King is fine with the food, they have the right too. Bri makes an important mental note to herself: always carry plenty of provisions in fantasy realms. You're guaranteed to make friends faster. After all, a replete king is a less dangerous king, right? There are a few moments of quiet chewing, Bri lets the King swallow a few bites before she attacks him with questions.

"Is Wren doing okay? Jareth seemed to think she'd tempt your temper." The King seems slightly uncomfortable, and the nephews exchange looks.

"She is faring well." That is an evasive answer if Bri ever heard one.

"Thank you. How much time do I have left?"

"Eight hours." The King finishes his food and hands her a ziplock back with a decorous bow. "Thank you. Eight hours unless you tell me the Labyrinth is a piece of cake and I unleash some unpleasantry on you." Is that an impish smirk she is seeing hiding in the corners of his lips? Huh, Grumpus can joke. Bri can't stop the giggles.

"Ain't. That. Stupid. 'Sides, it's been crazier than a coked up squirrel on a merry go round."

"I can imagine. Rather an appalling place it is." Thorin sits down on the nearest fallen tree and gives her a polite smile.

"Pretty sure I'd rather be takin' my chances with Orcs in Middle Earth. Speakin' of which. What about Mira? Is there some reason she cain't wait with Wren?"

Thorin's blue eyes fall on the baby. She is a miniature copy of her mother, as if a male didn't participate in this at all. She is also smiling from ear to ear with the same wide mouth her mother has, four pearly teeth, and then she starts stretching her stick like arms to the Dwarven King.

"Up! Up! Up!" The tone is cheery though rather bossy. The King seems rather mesmerised.

"Ummm, Uncle?" Kili raises his voice as if he is dealing with someone deaf. The King twitches and clears his throat.

"I can't see why not. I can take her to Wren." He stretches his hands to the baby, the buckles magically unbuckle themselves, and there Mira is, propped on the King's lap.

"Boop!" That is Mira's word for the likeable adults, and she grabs the bead on the end of his side braid. She is not pulling but it's obvious she is not letting it go any time soon.

The smile on Thorin's face is literally like sun after a thunderstorm, totally transforming his face. For the first time, Bri can see the relation between him and Blonde Sunnyjim over there easily.

"Well, I will leave you to the Labyrinth," Thorin rises on his feet, his eyes on the baby, while Mira snuggles into him. Both seem very content with the arrangement. "Can I have a sandwich and some water for Wren? You most likely would not want her to partake what is offered to her in the castle." Bri obviously does not. She hands him a ziplock and a water bottle, and then he suddenly leans in and whispers to her shock, "If I were you I'd go that way." Bri is definitely running a fever. No way in hell he just winked at her and pointed with his eyes to his right. Yep, Sarah really should have tried feeding Jareth. A 'poof' follows, and Bri looks the way the Grumpy King pointed. Of course there are two doors there, though she doesn't remember two Dwarves sitting in front of them in the movie. When she realizes who they are, she barely contains the giggles.


	5. We're Choosing Path Between the Stars

Wren cried for a bit, then flipped through the books, wandered the castle, and finally has arrived to a decisive conclusion she is bored. And hungry. And thirsty. And sleepy. She returns to Sarah's boudoir and curls on one of the sofas. Eating fae food is out of the question, she has read way too many myths, and isn't partaking the local nosh the typical way of assimilation? That is probably what happened to Sarah, once she agreed to marry Jareth. Though thinking of how he looked in tight leggings, perhaps there were some other procedures. Then Wren sighs and closes her eyes. Maybe if she falls asleep she'll consequently wake up on her old li-lo and realise she once again fell asleep in front of her telly.

She falls into heavy unpleasant slumber and is woken up by some soft rustling. She keeps her eyes closed for a bit, telling herself she'll open them and see her living room. No such luck.

The King Under the Mountain is sitting in front of her on one of Sarah's settees, but Wren forgets about him the moment she sees her daughter curled in his arms. She jumps up, but then sees him pressing a finger to his lips. Mira is nicely asleep, one of the small fists curled around the end of his braid. Wren tiptoes closer and looks the baby over. She seems fine, and Wren exhales in relief.

"Bri?" She mouths, and he nods slightly, without disturbing the baby, and smiles to her.

Wren sinks on the settee near him, her eyes fixed on Mira. At least they gave her her baby back. No way in hell she is now separating with her! Sod it, she wouldn't mind staying here, not that she had anything to go back to in her world, as long as her baby were with her.

And then she realises that the King's eyes are glued to her face. Oh sod it! He brought her baby back! She closes her eyes, calls to Rassilon for help, and presses her lips to his. Yeah, it isn't the most comfortable of kisses in her life, they can't move much not to wake up Mira, but at least the height is very convenient. Whom is she kidding?! It is the acest kiss of them all!

* * *

Bri really wishes she had more sandwiches. If she ever learned magic and could make a magic item, it'd be a ziplock bag that never ran out of sandwiches. Bri's Bottomless Bag o'Beef... or something like that. Now she has to find her way past Dwarves without her secret weapons, Dwarves with more than the usual communications issues. Perfect.

Bri walks up to inspect the doors. Oin looks to be sleeping, and Bifur seems to be in a null state. Bri's studies the two Dwarves resting on stools, with their backs leaned against the doorjamb. They both appeared to be resting soundly. What was the challenge here?

"Quit just standin' n starin', lass, yer makin' me nervous. Just speak friend and enter. I thought you were supposed to know how to play this game." Oin grumbles a bit more before he resettles on his stool and is comfortably snoring again.

"Really? Really? That's it? Oh bloody bloomin' bloomers. It ain't as easy as it looks, is it guys?" Bri thinks a minute. There is no way the word was 'mellon' because that would be just way to easy. Plus, one door was guarded by Bifur, who spoke only Khuzdul. She wasn't sure if this meant he only understood Khuzdul, but oh well. She'd still bet her best pair of unmentionables she needed the word in Khuzdul.

"Would one of you gents be willing to translate for me with Bifur?"

"The rules still apply, Miss." The shy Ori speaks up. "If one of us did, that'd be the favor, and that one would have to go."

"Understood. Ori, I'm going to have to use your favor."

"Miss?"

"Communications skills, Ori, who would you trust more? You, or mischief happy Kili?"

"Ummm…"

"Exactly. I love you Ori, but I need your favor now."

"Yes, Miss."

"Ori, what's the word for friend?"

"_Buhel_." The shy Ori sounded downright cheeky, and relieved. Probably the best clue she could get she was on the right track.

"Thank you, shug, it was wonderful getting to meet you." She hugs the shy Dwarf. He positively beams at her.

"Likewise, miss."

Bri gives him one last hug before facing Bifur, tapping his shoulder, and saying into his half sleepy eyes "_Buhel_." He smiles...

...and she is somewhere else. Sure enough, the dynamic duo are still with her, but sweet Ori is nowhere to be seen.

* * *

Wren is finishing a sandwich indubitably made by Bri's talented hands and sipping water from a bottle. Also, she is really trying not to stare at the man sitting on the floor.

The intimidating severe King Under the Mountain is sitting on the pile of pillows and cushions pulled off sofas and armchairs and is making faces to Mira who is squealing in immense glee and clapping her hands. Thumbs pressed to his large adorable ears he is wiggling his fingers in the air and blowing raspberries. Wren chokes on her nosh and receives an impish look from the corner of his eye.

It feels good. Sitting like this and watching the first decent bloke she's met in years play with her daughter. Yeah, except the bloke is an imaginary Dwarf, in an imaginary place, and she is a wished away child. And there are six hours left before she is either rescued and hauled back home to her double shifts, tired feet and cold bed, or she stays in an imaginary Goblin city. With her luck Bri'd be late and she'd get a job in Goblin infirmary to work double shifts delivering Goblin babies. Or were all Goblins former stolen babies?

"Boop, boop, boop!" Mira is now being held in the straight arms of the Dwarven King, who is lying on his back, dark waves scattered on the pillows, soft lips laughing, blue irises hiding behind black lashes. Wren takes a giant gulp of her water. Very non T rated thoughts just crawled into her mind, and wasn't he wearing the doublet that is now carelessly thrown on that chair? The soft tunic, half open collar, and she really didn't need the view of his wide furry chest, is underlining the muscles, and Wren feels very, very hot. "Booooooooo!" Mira is lowered on his chest and pushes her fingers into the black beard. Wren stuffs the rest of the sandwich into her mouth to distract herself from the dire need to do the same.

Six hours, six hours, it will be over in six hours… And it was the best kiss of her life. Oh poop.

* * *

The movie did not do the Goblin City justice. The place is massive, confusing, and especially busy. Crossing it without detection? That could possibly take more time than she has.

"Great, so how we gonna do this?" Bri is scanning all about for some sort of clue or inspiration. How to solve this riddle?

"We're so very glad you asked." She isn't sure why, but just the sheer cheek in Kili's voice scares the everloving hell out of her. She turns around to see matching smiles that would do the Cheshire cat proud as the brothers lean casually against a shop's doors… A Goblin prank shoppe, to be exact.

"Oh no…"

"Oh yes!" They answer in unison.

Bri whimpers a little as the boys easily break in and start sorting the merchandise. It is amazing how little goes in the 'useless' pile. They are catcalling, reminiscing, and giggling like kids in a candystore. Trying to be useful, Bri finds a trapdoor to the cellar. She makes her way down to look around. There she finds five crates with a very familiar symbol on end. She can predict that the long side says 'Weasley Wizarding Wheezes.'

"Boooooys, I just found y'alls secret weapon! Get yer tails down here!"

"The Weasleys? You found five crates?" Kili is laughing himself hoarse. "These guys are ace! Love their butterbeer, too."

"How bloody brilliant is that? These Goblins aren't going to know what hit them! It's perfect!" Fili rubs his hands gleefully as he strategizes their attack. When he sees the Goblin rockets against the back wall, he now knows how he is getting Bri into the Castle in time. Everything has fallen into place. Time to play!

* * *

"Thoooooo…."

"Dawwwww…."

"Rin."

"Eee!"

Wren is pretending to read while discreetly watching the King trying to communicate with Mira.

"She is too young to speak," Wren comments over the rim of the book. Thorin strokes the curly red head and receives a stream of happy gurgling back.

"Nonsense. She is doing wonderfully. Say Thorin, Mira."

"Dawwww… eee!"

"See? She is a natural." Wren shakes her head in feigned exasperation and goes back to her book. In actually she is hiding behind it to conceal the adoration and hysterics she has reflected on her face in turns. Thorin picks up Mira and starts walking around the room. He is pointing at the pictures on the walls and is telling her about other fandoms. Wren giggles at his description of Narnia, he sounds utterly familiar with it. That makes her ask.

"So how does walking between the worlds actually work? Do you do it at will?"

"Those with magic do. The Grey Wizard does a lot," Thorin is bobbing Mira on his bent arm, "He is fond of butterbeer in Hogsmeade's inn, and him and Dumbledore have tea on Tuesdays." Wren isn't even surprised anymore. "The travel between worlds is mostly working on fae magic though. So it is mostly under the control of Jareth and Oberon, but thankfully the two lunatics are supervised by Istari and Merlin." Wren feels like asking whether Merlin looks like a dangly but surprisingly sexy Irishman but bites her tongue.

"So say if Bri fails and I stay here, I wouldn't be able to move into another world?" Bugger, she was really trying to keep a tremble out of her voice, but wistfulness sneaks into her tone, and he shifts his eyes at her. The bright blue irises meet hers, and she feels her cheeks burn.

"Dawww!" Mira saves her Mam by grabbing the King's ears and turning his head to face her. "Eee!" The King laughs, and Wren's heart clenches.

"Yes, little one, that's me." Wren turns to the window, tears are stinging her eyes, and she tells herself she is a massive idiot, but the softness and warmth in his tone are making it hard to ignore her daft emotions. "There is an hour left, Wren." He speaks quietly, and she whips her head to look at him. "Would you care for a dance?"


	6. Someone True Down in the Underground

The first clue it isn't going to be just another day is when the unmistakable funk of the Bog rolls through town, along with a heavy giggling fog filled with floating chicken feathers. Suddenly, the sky is filled with lights, colors, it's like all the fireworks from all the fourth of julys ever break across the sky. The streets fill with chasers and snapbangs. One little goblin lady is left perched on a barrel as she beats ineffectively at a growling FizzyGiggle, the sparks gradually catching her broom on fire. Another goblin is chased down the street by a pack of snapbangs. A Fiery Dragon roars above the city, swallowing some of the other firework displays only to burst into a multitude of smaller sparkling dragons filling the sky.

As pandemonium throughout the city grows, one determined blonde Dwarf is methodically strapping a very nervous young woman to a rocket. She shifts in the saddle apprehensively.

"You know what this is, right? How to steer it?" He is steadfastly not meeting her eyes. Checking the rocket over again for the fifth time, pulling a seat strap again for the sixth.

"You expect experience with these things from WoW to have any real bearing? How many Orc hammers have you stopped with your head again?" She's getting angry. Too many words she wants and needs to say, and the stubborn Dwarf wouldn't even look at her. She finally got a rise out of him with the Orc hammer comment.

"If you need me…" That's not what he wants to say, but what he has to say. She can see his frustration. Hang it all if she's gonna let it stay that way, though.

"Dang it!" She roughly grabs his collar and hauls him to her face. Not asking, but hungrily taking the kiss she needs. Luckily, he needs it too, and kisses back just as hungrily. Neither one wants to let go. Their tongues could happily stay tangled up together from now on. Kili is welcome to cough delicately until the cows come home.

Sadly, both of them still have to breathe. Once they slowly disengage, Kili, blast him, sets the rocket off. Bri has just long enough to meet Fili's eyes, before the rocket takes off, giving her whiplash. The Goblin City and all its mayhem streaks by under her. She prays their aim is good. And the growing grey target under her... is that a Cave Troll?

The Goblin Rocket strikes the Cave Troll mid chest, she is luckily thrown to the side into a convenient pile of hay. She dazedly wonders if it's part of Labyrinth magic. Then has no time to worry, as she's rolling out of the way of a very massive club. The wall behind her fractures. That's one freaking strong Troll, so how is she to get past him into the castle?

"Baruk Khazâd! Khazâd ai-mênu!" There is Dwalin, in all his Dwarven Berserker glory, and she knows now how she's getting past the Cave Troll.

"Dwalin, I could kiss you!"

"Save it for Fili!" Honestly, does everyone know her business? She waits for Dwalin to get the troll all turned around, and darts past the epic brawl into the Castle proper.

* * *

Thorin is twirling Wren in his arms. She is smiling to him and then peeks down, they are floating in the air in the Escher room, and she sees Mira sitting on one of the staircases and waving her arms playing with the bubbles floating around her.

"I didn't expect a Dwarf from Middle Earth to waltz."

"Nothing better than a touch of fae magic for one's coordination," he is giving her a radiant smile, and she returns it. When they stepped into the room, he gave her a mischievous smirk, one brow cocked, cerulean eyes twinkling, and after a soft 'poof' Wren started laughing loudly. She did get her puffy white dress! At the background music changes, from _As the World Falls Down_, which Wren found rather appropriate, and she can't help but snort.

"That is not the song the King is to sing at the moment."

"It is not," he answers in a soft warm murmur and leans to her, "But again I can't say 'you've run so fast; you've run so far.'" She shakes her head. She didn't, did she? She can't say neither of them has been cruel to another either.

Wren knows the song that starts instead of _Within You_, and Elton John can bashfully start chewing at his star shaped glasses. That is the voice it should be sung in. _Can you feel the love tonight?/ How it's laid to rest/ It's enough to make kings and vagabonds/ Believe the very best…_

After the first chorus Wren remembers that they had an hour left before they entered the room, and yes, being personally serenaded by Thorin Oakenshield might have been among her secret little fantasies, but after the incident in Sarah's boudoir she knows that there are much more pleasant favours one can receive from him. She grabs the back of his head and pulls him into a kiss. Damn it all, she will either go home in half an hour, or will be stuck here in Jareth's power, she might as well have some great memories to cherish and cry into her pillow over.

Her head is spinning, he has soft lips, and no one has ever felt so good, and then he gently pushes her away, and they are dancing again, he twirls her, there are tears in her eyes, and his face wavers for a second, she can see the set jaw, muscles dancing on it, and then he purposefully turns her and…

… and she sees Bri rushing into the room.

* * *

Bri thinks it mildly odd that the Castle layout remains the same, straight from the throne room to the Escher Room she races, no Goblins to impede her progress. Course, they could be out trying to bring order back into the madhouse she and the nephews had made of the Goblin City. Or it could be someone wants her to take her fierce redheaded friend off his hands.

She almost stumbles over Mira playing on the first landing of the Escher room. She picks the little love up, and looks up.

"Wow." That's all she's got. Her mind is totally blown. Synapses fried. There above her is the stand-in Goblin King dancing on air with her best friend Wren. In the white dress from the Ball Ball, but it's more Navajo white, to match the hair. But the necklace and the ribbons and gems in the hair are there, and Wren's orange curls look glorious. Bri pinches herself. Nope, the image is still there. Well, somehow, she's going to have to make her way to her. But how? The King suddenly stops dancing and looks at Bri.

"You know what to say, Bri," the King's voice is calm, and Wren jerks in his arms.

"Thorin..." Wren sounds as if she can't quite believe her ears.

"Seriously? We're using those corny lines?" Bri shakes her head in disbelief, "Here it goes... Give me the child. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the Castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen…"

"Stop, Bri!" Wren's voice is ringing, and Thorin, both of them still suspended in the air, grabs her shoulders.

"Wren, she has fifteen minutes left, just enough to save you..."

"But I will go home..." Wren is clawing at his forearms.

"Yes, you will," the Dwarf cups Wren's face.

"I don't want to… I want to..." Bri sees Wren's face scrunch, and Thorin presses his forehead to hers.

"I know, my heart, but we can't know..." Wren throws her arms around his neck, and Bri hears a loud sob.

"Beg pardon?" Bri is truly confuzzled now. "Wait, so... OK... But who would she wind up with, you? Or King Glitterbutt?"

"I do not know. We can't risk it, Bri. Say the words," Thorin's tone is commanding, he removes Wren's arms from around his neck, she is sobbing loudly, he looks no better, and he gently pushes her away as if in water, and she starts floating towards Bri.

"You gonna protect me from Wren, if'n I do? She's tiny, but fierce." Bri's attempt to keep her aplomb falls flat, but the situation does not need two bawling women. She is desperately not thinking about a certain blonde Dwarf she is probably never seeing again. Dang it, there's something wet on her chin.

Wren lands near Bri, in her flannel shorts and Einstein tee again, and Bri passes whimpering Mira into her hands. Wren presses her face into her daughter's soft curls.

"For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great…" Bri's voice sounds nothing like itself. It's hoarse and croaky. She's not crying, not at all. Even though she can see her best friend breaking, and she feels like she's breaking. Isn't winning the Labyrinth supposed to be a good thing? To quote one of Wren's favorite lines, sodding hell. It feels more like losing.

Thorin is now standing on a landing slightly above them, his eyes glued to Wren and Mira, and Bri's composure is a fast fading memory. Tears stream, poorly muffled sobs wrack her frame, but still she keeps mumbling those stupid, vapid, meaningless words….

Wren is crying loudly, and suddenly Mira starts thrashing in her arms stretching her hands to Thorin.

"Dawwwww!.. Eeeeeee!" The scream is shrieky and desperate, and Bri sees Thorin sway. His face is twisted in a grimace of pain, and the child in Wren's arm is wailing.

And there is only one line left, and of course it's the consarned 'You have no power over me,' when suddenly Wren stretches her arms in front of her, holding Mira under her arms. She looks at Mira, her lips move in a clear 'I love you,' and she pushes her daughter into Bri's hands. There is a second of strange tense silence, and then Wren jumps.

Bri is cradling Mira closely to herself, Thorin is screaming, on his knees on the edge of his landing, and the fiery cloud of Wren's curls flutters in the air. Bri squeezes her eyes, and…

* * *

...Wren's feet softly touch the ground, there are pieces of walls floating around, the cloak is predictably spinning backwards, and she sees Bri pressing Mira to herself, her eyes still shut tightly, and at the next moment there is an enraged Dwarf yelling into her face.

"Are you out of your cursed mind, woman?!" He grabs her shoulders and gives her a generous shake, her hair is thrashing in the air, and her teeth rattle. Even that can't erase an idiotic smile off her face. He is raging and yelling, and she is ogling him. He is so fit when he is snarling through his teeth that are way too white and perfect for Middle Earth!

"Aren't you supposed to say 'Fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave' now?" Her very gleeful remark makes him freeze with his mouth half open, and judging by a snigger Wren hears behind her, Bri is back.

"Oh shut up!" He grabs her and kisses her, making her toes curl and her ears ring. A few minutes later, he pushes her away and pronounces with the mixture of admiration, surprise and disgust, "You jumped, you mad woman!"

"And you have reordered time, you have turned the world upside down, and you have done it..."

"Oh shut up!" The line totally works the second time around because it is once again followed with a mind-blowing snog.

"Mmmm, can I ask for something else?" Wren resurfaces for a second, while the King is peppering kisses on her nose. "I think one of your nephew's is needed here."

There is a 'poof,' a deafening squeal, and Wren quickly grabs Mira out of Bri's hands. Fili is laughing, twirling Bri, who is latched on like a limpet, around in his arms, and Mira is chanting her 'dawww… eeee!' while the King is pressing her into himself.

* * *

After the emotional storm ebbs a bit, Wren asks the logical question, "Now what?"

They are all sitting on the pieces of broken columns, Bri on Fili's lap, Wren pressed into Thorin's side, Mira in his arms, having fallen asleep after the turmoil of the last hour.

"So one theory is," Bri starts in her best professor tone, "And we are speaking in theoretical terms about Jareth and Sarah, everything fell apart when his heart broke." Bri is eyeing Thorin who has very red cheeks above that sinfully black silky beard. "Another, he exhausted himself saving her from her own stupid stunt. Yet another, that her leap of faith broke his power. Take your pick."

"Do you feel exhausted?" Wren softly touches Thorin's hand, and he gives her a feigned haughty look from the corner of his eye.

"I feel angry that you jumped," he grumbles, and she giggles and hides her face into him. "But no, I feel the same. I was terrified, but can't say I feel any changes." Thorin picks up Wren's hand and presses his lips to her knuckles.

"With all honesty, can't I leave you, chaps, alone for one day?" The familiar posh voice comes from around a floating piece of the wall, not so surprisingly containing a fragment of yet another portrait of the Goblin King.

Jareth appears, in all his toff glory, shockingly in a white linen pant suit, over a very stylish light blue tee, and completely out of place with a puffy cravat that looks suspiciously like the one from the Crystal Ball Ball scene.

"Would you just look at that fluffy headed Sonny Crockett," Bri breathes out, just loudly enough for everyone to hear. She is apparently still slightly dischuffed by her adventures. Thorin carefully but quickly passes Mira to Wren and jumps on his feet.

"Listen you, bin'afh zukun daruh manammûn!.." Judging by Fili approving snort, the swearing is well thought through.

"Oh chop, chop, enough with this nonsense! I have a wife and a Daquiri to return to…" The git has the nerve of waving his pale long-fingered hand in the air in a dismissive gesture, and…

* * *

...Thorin and the gang find themselves comfortably ensconced in what appears to be a well appointed family room. Judging from the solid rock walls, and Fili's gasp, Bri would even go so far to say the Royal's family room in Erebor. Bri is still on Fili's lap, but now on a very plush and fine velvet settee. Wren and Mira are on one facing them… and Thorin, still ranting, is facing a rock wall covered with a very detailed tapestry of some grand battle, that he is now poking with his finger.

"Daaawww... Eeeeeeee!" Mira wants someone's attention. Thorin whirls around, face immediately softening to something Bri would dare call absolute adoration as he makes his way over to the bouncing imp on Wren's lap.

The moment is broken by the immediate, and rather comical, arrival of one Dwalin, son of Fundin, as he plummets from the ceiling onto a thankfully unoccupied couch, battle axe in each hand. Even such a plummet does little to faze Dwalin. He is cursing for all he is worth, inventively and incessantly.

"Where's that muckswilling brainless trogswallop?! I'm not through with him yet!" Dwalin regains his feet to see the familiar environs of home. He turns to face four highly amused adults, and one infant happily cooing her 'dawww-eeee' into the chest of the King Under the Mountain. "So, we're stuck wi' ye after all, eh?" He doesn't exactly look upset at this prospect.

Dwalin continues to grumbling under his nose. Fili hugs Bri close, her hands deftly tangling into the liquid sunshine of his curls as their lips meet in a soul deep snog to end all snogs. Thorin hooks a finger over Wren's tee's collar and pulls her to his lips, while Mira between them is happily bobbing on his bent arm.

* * *

A world and universe away, a very tired and self satisfied Goblin King drops gracefully into a beach chaise lounge next to his reclining queen. Sarah pushes her sunglasses on the tip of her nose, and her voice floats over his shoulder, "Did it work?"

"Yes, love, it worked."

"Toldja." Sarah fixes the glasses and, placing one long leg over the other, she picks up her drink in a coconut shell, decorated with at least a dozen of colourful umbrellas and three plastic flamingoes.

"Yes, Dear."


End file.
